I lost a friend back in June. As far as I’m aware, he’s the only guy I knew who was in Iraq, and he got blown up by a mine. He was a 44-year-old Navy reservist, a Seabee. He had been in the Army as a young man, went back to school, spent some time in higher ed (which was where I met him), and then decided to re-up as a reservist. Our wives are closer than sisters, and he has two daughters near my daughter’s age.
And no, this is not the place to debate the wisdom of his decision, though God knows I have done it over and over again. He was doing what he enjoyed, what made him who he was, and more important, he was doing what he thought was right.
But I haven’t been able to frame it yet, haven’t been able to really understand it, haven’t gotten any peace about it. Until tonight. I was listening to some Rich Mullins… perhaps ironically, the last album he wrote before he himself died. This is the song, “Hard to Get”:
“You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth…
Who are afraid of being left by those we love,
And who get hardened by the hurt.
Do you remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us, after You had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said…
Still, I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath,
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
“You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin.
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was…
Still, we do love now and then.
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get,
When You were barely holding on,
And Your friends fall asleep,
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat?
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted,
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
“And I know You bore our sorrows,
And I know You feel our pain,
And I know it would not hurt any less,
Even if it could be explained.
“And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most…
And after I figured this, somehow,
All I really need to know:
“Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time?
We can't see what's ahead,
And we cannot get free of what we've left behind.
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears,
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret…
I can't see how you're leading me,
Unless you've led me here,
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led.
“And so You've been here all along, I guess.
It's just Your way,
and You are just plain hard to get…”
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth…
Who are afraid of being left by those we love,
And who get hardened by the hurt.
Do you remember when You lived down here, where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread?
Did You forget about us, after You had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said…
Still, I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath,
While You're up there just playing hard to get.
“You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin.
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was…
Still, we do love now and then.
Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get,
When You were barely holding on,
And Your friends fall asleep,
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat?
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted,
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
“And I know You bore our sorrows,
And I know You feel our pain,
And I know it would not hurt any less,
Even if it could be explained.
“And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most…
And after I figured this, somehow,
All I really need to know:
“Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time?
We can't see what's ahead,
And we cannot get free of what we've left behind.
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears,
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret…
I can't see how you're leading me,
Unless you've led me here,
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led.
“And so You've been here all along, I guess.
It's just Your way,
and You are just plain hard to get…”
Happy Birthday, Gary… I’m comforted knowing that you’re having a better time now than I’ve ever had in my whole life. So until that day…
4 comments:
This was well done John. I know a couple of those serving right now and think about this a lot. I may have to borrow the Rich Mullins from you...
Dave
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